firespeaker.org

"The president's defense has been «I don't read it». That's like a pilot telling you he doesn't read the instruments in the cockpit. That pilot is going to get you killed."

"I feel like the Titanic has struck an iceberg, and the crew is being asked to put on a play while bailing water."

Fran: "So I was at the bar at the airport and there was someone on the TV saying that banning same-sex marriage should be up to the states."

me: "Yeah... ☹"

Fran: "And murder legalised by school-district."

me: "Wait, what??"

Fran: "Well, I'm extrapolating."

you remember what i am talking about? i thought that the song was about michael jackson, but they were just using the future tense ;)

me: "Yeah, Tolgonay, if I won the lottery and got poisoned, you'd be the first person they investigate."

Andy: "Or they'll just look at the mouldy bread on the table, and be like ‘oh, it was an accident.’"

"There's only three themes in Bluegrass anyway: death, bad love, and for some reason retail."

"Isn't there a law against shooting people when they're at church?"

"No, you see, it doesn't work that way—it's dark half the year, so you commit suicide, and the other half of the year, it's light, and you're dead."

Derek: "I can't wait 'til next week, man."

Jonathan: "Why's that?"

Derek: "'Cause it's all over then. It's kind of like not being able to wait until you're euthanised."

"If I were a buffalo, and I tasted this good, I'd want to be factory farmed."

"For this speaker, odds are he's never going to reach 500Hz, unless he's getting run over by something."

"Women are like the eternal food source. They make things like beverages, and meats."

[Derek feeds squirrel bread]

Jonathan: "Hey, Derek, gonna get tested for rabies?"

Derek: "Yeah, I guess I should—I wouldn't want to infect the squirrels."

Rabbi Dan: "Turn to page 185. Someone once commented to me that these sidurim are like Choose Your Own Adventure books."

Gabe: "Yeah, open to a random page, and you get inscribed in the book of death."

"That's like pulling an assault rifle on a horde of bunnies! A horde of bunnies in a cage!"

"Everybody does that to salads. It makes them look like they're bleeding."

"Russians can totally fly while not dead."

Aladnsane: "Zavulon can fly, but he can't."

Jonathan: "Certainly not while dead…"

oberon: "What's that?"

Adam: "It's kinda like a little playground toy that kills kids."

"I almost inhaled the horseraddish, and I was thinking 'If that goes down wrong, I will die.'"

"Why do people even sleep with each other? With woman it's like death; it's so scary."

"I could go either way man, and I'm pretty sure if I get cremated I'm going to hell."

Me: "What's that thing when you mix orange juice with vodka?"

Hannah: "Suicide?"