firespeaker.org

"I had a girlfriend once who had problems with 'l's and 'r's, but the mail-order bride company said that wasn't going to be a problem."

"Go in the stupid bitch, bitch!"

"For you, walking backwards is forward."

Matt: "Could we reschedule the conversation about the meaning of life?"

Jonathan: "It's not really about the meaning of life; it's about the driving factors."

Matt: "Could we also reschedule the conversation about the conversation?"

Vickie: "I'm a year older than Matt."

Matt: "No you're not, because if you were, we wouldn't both be 21 right now."

Vickie: "Fine, I'm 9 months older than you."

Nat: "That's enough time to make a baby."

Vickie: "Yeah, I could be your mother."

everyone else in room confused.

oberon: "Uhm, that's not ... how ... it works."

Jonathan: "That's a lot of rice."

Matt: "Yeah.."

Jonathan: "So I'll put a lot of corn on it."

"Four straight hours of Star Trek watching.... I wish that was a euphamism."

"I get a lot of complaints about my url being too long."

Matt: "Well, I'd rather be able to feed you than put jalapeños in it."

Vickie: "Why?"

Matt: "Because I like you more than I like jalapeños."

"I trust a webpage more than I trust myself."

"I have to file taxes in like 5 states."

"My laptop's drive is never floppy; it's always hard."

"Crack is rocks, cocaine is powder."

[Vickie pats Matt's head.]

"What?... One's for rich people and one's for poor people. I have to know which one to buy."

Ian: "With slight modifications, the iPod could greatly benefit the blind."

Nat: "With slight modifications, the iPod could be made into a tricorder."

Matt: "With slight modifications, the iPod could be made to be sentient."

Jonathan: "But then how would you know the iPod is sentient and not just the sentience inside?"

Matt: "I'm not allowed to discuss that."

Nat: "Reciprocical could be a type of popsicle."

Jonathan: "You mean a `recipopsicle'?"

Vickie: "The popsicle that sucks you?!"

Matt: "Well, it would go numb after a while."

[discussion about birth control in Kazakhstan]

Jess: "Well, there are always used kvas bottles."

Jonathan [hands Jess a glass bottle]: "Here. You know where to put it. Be my guest."

Ian: "Well, if the condom breaks, you'll know right away."

[Whole room cringes in pain.]

Ian: "Mental note: no glass condoms."

Matt: "Well, there goes my version of Cinderella ."

Matt: "Wait, how does nudity get rid of variables?"

oberon: "Because clothes are variable—everyone's always wearing different things."

"Okay, well, none of you are 10-page papers, and none of you are due on Monday. Except possibly Vickie."

Matt: ".. and I still have a paper to write."

Jonathan: "You're still writing it?"

Matt: "Well, I'm done, but it's not long enough."

Jonathan: "How many pages do you have left?"

Matt: "Four."

Jon: "Matt, is it a 3-5 page paper?"

Vickie: "To sleep with Vickie."

Jon: "Uhm."

Vickie: "Yeah, you know, like `to bed with me'."

Matt: "I'm not disagreeing with any of the words you've been saying."

"Well, let's just say I'll land my Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria at her Plymouth Rock."

Jonathan: "I mean, what sort of person founds an all girls school? I guess you have to be a rich guy with weird dreams."

Matt: "Yo."

Matt: "We haven't dated, but I have gone on dates with her."

oberon: "You do know how past tense works in English, right?"

Jonathan: "Matt, what sorting algorithm are you using?"

Matt: "MattSort."

Jonathan: "That means that if you know the original state of the cards, you can recalculate which cards everyone has."

Matt: "No, because it's O(...look over there!)"

http://quotes.firespeaker.org/snippits/matt - tty driver.ogg

Vickie: "Your computer stole my hair!"

Matt: "It loves you too."

oberon: "It just wanted something to remember you by."

Matt: "It wants a lock of your hair to use as its favour in a jousting tournament. Oh, by the way, I told you I entered your computer in a jousting tournament, didn't I?"

Matt: "Given a perfectly spherical tongue of uniform density..."

"No, you don't get it. Domino's is bad pizza for the same reason steak is bad pizza."

[in a seductive voice]

"You say you like prime numbers? Well.... I've got something that's only divisible by one.. and itself."

Nat: "If you keep speaking French, I'll be forced to hit you."

Jonathan: "What's wrong with French?"

Nat: "French sounds like ass."

Matt: "Nat, I don't know what your ass sounds like."

Nat: "I can show you."

Matt: "If it sounds like French, then okay."

"Aw man, playing Nintendo games and naming your characters `Cunthead.' That brings me back."

oberon: "Yeah, they're not even allowed to talk to eachother. It's not even a debate, it's a joint press conference."

Matt: "That's why the only appropriate way to respond to the political system in this country is to imbibe alcohol."

"This chocolate gives me female orgasms."

"I don't think I've had enough to drink. I can still type all my passwords."

oberon: "In one of those tests linked to on Jon's test page, there's a question that asks 'Do you frequently make references to things that you have heard or read?'"

Matt: "No, most of my conversations are smell-based."

Nat: "Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra."

Jonathan: "This sound card should work right and shouldn't."

Matt: "That's because everyone and his mom has messed with it."

Jonathan: "Yeah, you and Nat."

Matt: "Well, I'm everyone and Nat's his mother."

all: "Where's the die?"

Jonathan: "I think it went under Matt's chair."

oberon [to Matt]: "You have a pompom. It's making die-like noises."

Matt: "People who dislike homosexuals should support gay marriage because everyone knows after you get married, you stop having sex."

Jonathan: "How do you know that?"

Matt: ...

oberon: "Well, we do know your birthday."

Matt: "I do have younger brothers, though."

Ian: "Are your brothers married?"

Matt: "I have two younger brothers and two cats. You do the math."

oberon: "That leaves three days of the week."

Matt: "I don't care if the TV is depressed—only if it commits suicide."

oberon: "What if it turns off DDR every 10 minutes and complains that no one loves it?"

Matt: "Well, I do that, but nobody seems to notice."

"Have you seen that guy—Matt Sachs? He's such a stud!"