firespeaker.org

"So I was behind Ziv commons carrying all the archery stuff waiting for people to come for archery, and along comes an angry mob of hundreds of people carrying signs saying `Ban the assault rifles!' and they saw me. And I was scared, but I should've been all like `Yeah, down with the assault rifles!' Then I'd be in charge."

Matt: ".. and I still have a paper to write."

Jonathan: "You're still writing it?"

Matt: "Well, I'm done, but it's not long enough."

Jonathan: "How many pages do you have left?"

Matt: "Four."

Jon: "Matt, is it a 3-5 page paper?"

Nat: "Yeah, Hood chocolate milk is good..."

Jon: "Chocolate cheese is not."

"I smell incense. That incensitive bastard."

Vickie: "Well, you vary plus-or-minus five pounds or so every day anyway."

Jon: "Yeah, I mean, I take a shit, and there goes ten pounds... I brush my teeth, and there's another five."

Jonathan: "The founders of modern anthropology and modern linguistics were both secular Jews."

Vickie: "The founder of modern psychology was a secular Jew."

Jon: "The founder of Christianity was a secular Jew."

Jon: "Who left the iced tea pitcher with 2 shots in it?"

Vickie: "Wait, you don't measure iced tea in shots."

Nat & Jonathan simultaneously: "Jon measures everything in shots."

Vickie: "To sleep with Vickie."

Jon: "Uhm."

Vickie: "Yeah, you know, like `to bed with me'."

Matt: "I'm not disagreeing with any of the words you've been saying."

Jon: "Ooh, we could so make a white Russian."

Jonathan: "With cranberry vodka?"

Vickie: "That would be a gay white Russian. It'd be a rainbow Russian."

Jon: "I've got a sugary beverage in my pants."

oberon: "Uh, Jon, that's not a beverage."

Jon: "No, more like a protein shake."

followed by oberon confused and grossed out, spending 30 seconds trying to come up with a "shaken, not stirred" joke and failing

"I think I'm addicted to violence like you're addicted to gay porn."

Jonathan: "I like how our suite event is, like, Linux."

oberon: "We're all sitting around the TV watching the Linux burn. It's like 5'000 years ago, but with a different word for 'fire'."

Jon: "Next week on shelter-vision, BSD!"

"How come in the Windows installer my mouse doesn't work, and then when I put the CD in the other drive and reboot, it does?"

Jonathan: "If the flour turns into pie crust, then how do those kids in plays deal with getting it out of their hair?"

Nat: "They don't put flour in their hair—they put shoe polish or baby powder in their hair."

Jon: "Or Kool-Aid."

oberon: [whistles beginning of The Good, The Bad, The Ugly theme]

Jon: [walking away, completes the theme with "wahn wahn wahn"]

"Yeah, there's only one chick in software engineering. Unless you count Kolb."