firespeaker.org

"It's probably been about 20 years since I've eaten play-dough, but I still remember what it tastes like."

KJ: "Why can't my roommate see he's annoying me and just move out?"

Joyce: "Some people get satisfaction from annoying other people."

KJ: "Well, he's still paying rent."

Jonathan: "Some people pay to annoy other people."

KJ: "But he's poor."

Joyce: "Yeah, it's a luxury to be able to annoy other people."

[English department turns off lights and opens door because it's hot out]

[Confused undergrads misconstrue this to mean they're closed, so English department puts up sign]

Sign reads: "We're open. Come on in!"

Jonathan: "Hey, you ended a sentence with a preposition! Two even!"

Secretary 1: "… Oh no!" [tears down sign]

Jonathan: "Yeah, what'll people think of the English department‽"

Secretary 1: "Yeah, we have to fix that!"

Jonathan: "How're you gonna fix it?"

Secretary 1: "… Uhm… We could maybe leave just one preposition? ‘We're open; come in.’ But no, I guess we need to get rid of both. ‘We're open; come!’"

Jonathan: "Yeah, that might work. Good thing we caught it!"

Secretary 2: "Yeah, they're going to shame me and fire me tomorrow when they find out about this!"

[Jonathan tells Joyce the story]

Joyce: "You shouldn't mess with people like that."

Derek: "I think we should write in runes, and the British should write in Roman."

Jonathan: "What about the Australians?"

Derek: "… They can write in kanji."

"I don't think I've ever had smore burn-out."

Stefan: "Okay everyone, remember, besh barmaq at my place on Friday."

Michael: "More like yigirme besh barmaq."

Jonathan: "The Cuyahoga River Fire prompted the Clean Water Act of 1969. Wow, that's an important fire."

Gretchen: "Yeah, it's bad when water catches on fire. It's like ‘maybe we should stop letting our kids swim in the river now…’"

Michael: "‘Hey mommy, I float better over here.’"

"I can just see Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin sitting down over a glass of Sam Adams."