firespeaker.org

"I should run a seminar: 'I'm ugly and foul-mouthed and I get laid.'"

"There's only one thing the internet has been consistently good for."

"We'll make you a deal—if there's a lunar eclipse, we'll give you something to eat; if there's not, we eat you."

"So Mohammed said to the mountain, 'Rabbi Akiva—Oh wait, let me get my glasses…'"

Jonathan: "Homntashn's good shit."

David: "That's exactly what it is."

http://firespeaker.org/misc/db_eml.html

"That's quality. It's like a monkey meets Fred Astaire." or "That's quality. It's like a monkey named Fredistan."

"You asshole, you can't put crack in a beverage."

David: "If you virus my computer, I'll eat your soul."

Rameez: "How are you going to do that?"

David: "The same way I eat this shit."

"You look like the magic pumpkin or whatever, but blue."

"They threw me on the ground and told me to offer up my treasure. That was the scariest moment of my life."

"That's the white trash thing to do to chocolate."

"You know those circus freak shows where there are people who can fit inside tennis rackets and shit? It'd be cool if you had like a guy who could fit inside a tennis racket dressed up just like Hitler. And then you have a Mussolini tennish racket guy and another one for Emperor Hirohito. And then you have these giants like eight feet tall with four arms each. And they're all dressed up like Churchill, Stalin, and Roosevelt. And they look like Vishnu. So, you know, you have this Hitler Oompaloompa and this Stalin Vishnu."

"Broccoli is a tool of the devil. It looks like a green brain."

"What would the trigger happy twin of Jesus do? That would make a good bracelet."

"This is one of the most famous incidents in the—Jesus Christ, fucking communist bastards. Shit."

"Dude, they're going to sodomise you with corn on the cob!"

"Why do they look so freaky? Does Lowell reverse engineer people's souls?"

"Hey guys, this just in on the Wouldn't've happened under Gore channel: . . . ."

"I'm against beating children, but if my kids ever call french fries freedom fries, I'm going to seriously beat them."

"Not only does it suck, but it sucks in a foreign language."

"It blows fat-tailed sheeps—purple fat-tailed sheeps!"