firespeaker.org

"You see, it's different for you: Kyrgyz and Kazakh girls are actually attractive."

"Well, he just came from America, where people have jobs and have to do stuff, but now he's in Central Asia, where people drink tea."

Баха: "Ты исследователь?"

Jonathan: "Да."

Баха: "Или шпион?"

Jonathan: "Ладно, я шпион."

Баха: "Где ты учился тогда?"

Jonathan: "Назвается ‘Шпионский Институт Америки.’"

Баха: "А! Мы всегда знали!"

Jonathan: "Ты знаешь как сокращается называние этого института? C.I.A.—‘Шпионский Институт Америки.’"

[kid cries and points]

mother: "Ты трогал это, что-ли?"

[kid nods and continues to cry]

mother: "Зачем ты трогал это, зачем?!"

[kid cries louder]

my father: "Wait, why's it that much cheaper?"

employee at undisclosed fast-foodery: "I gave you the senior discount. ...Not sayin' there're any seniors around here—I just hooked y'all up."

"You guys had lots of things growing up that other people had never heard of, like broccoli cookies."

"The leader of Turkmenistan—what does he call himself again? Turkmen Bob?"

me: "How can you recall food?"

my mother: "If you don't, it recalls itself."

[arrives on plane for connecting flight 5 minutes before scheduled take-off (40 minutes before actual take-off), and finds seat taken]

me: "You're in my seat."

other passenger: "Uh, well, we had to to, uhm—"

flight attendant: "Just sit anywhere."

[other passengers laugh]