firespeaker.org

"Why is it that the Kazakh flag strikes me as Romulan somehow?"

"That's interesting: if you eat spicy food with the back of your mouth, the back part gets burned."

[Derek feeds squirrel bread]

Jonathan: "Hey, Derek, gonna get tested for rabies?"

Derek: "Yeah, I guess I should—I wouldn't want to infect the squirrels."

[TV blares in another apartment]

Rianna: "Wow, someone's TV is up later than we are."

[me]: "Maybe someone is actually up later than us."

Rianna: "Or maybe someone is up way earlier than us."

Derek: "Look, cheerleaders."

Jonathan: "And they're not wearing their uniforms."

...

"Okay, be careful when you're going to the bathroom, cause we don't want toilet paper falling in the toilet."

Gabe: "When people tell me they're vegan, I just feel like shoving a steak down their throat."

Derek: "I'm vegan." [opens mouth]

Rabbi Dan: "Turn to page 185. Someone once commented to me that these sidurim are like Choose Your Own Adventure books."

Gabe: "Yeah, open to a random page, and you get inscribed in the book of death."

"That's like pulling an assault rifle on a horde of bunnies! A horde of bunnies in a cage!"

Derek: "Agh!"

Rianna: "What's wrong with your spine?"

Derek: "It's made out of bones!"